


Please Show Me How To

by Cefhclwords



Series: Look at Me Like [2]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Conflict, Fluff, Happy Ending, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 17:07:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19873090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cefhclwords/pseuds/Cefhclwords
Summary: The sequel to It’s Getting Harder To Be Close To YouIt’s been months since the dream, and months since Dele has spoke to Eric. Dele isn’t coping with it.‘Dele felt like he’d been turned to stone with Eric’s words- months ago he could have laughed and replied with “well that’s what best mates are for” or “I look out for you too you know.”But now, neither of those things were true, to the point where Eric is confused at to why Dele would be concerned about him being hurt and- and- what the fuck had Dele done? He thought desperately. What has he done to Eric? What has he done to them?’





	Please Show Me How To

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHHHHH it’s doneeeeee ok this fic literally feels like my actual human child that I live and adore and I’m about to send off into the big scary real world! I hope y’all enjoy this, I really hope I gave you the kind of ending you wanted from the first one! Kudos literally fuels me and any comments/feedback would mean the entire world to me. I have never written something so long in my life and something so complicated either so it would mean more than you know to hear what you think!!!!! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy loves!!
> 
> Shoutout to Rashfordele for helping me out with this and giving me great feedback to work off and helping me with spelling and grammar too! Please go check out her tumblr she’s an angel! ❤️❤️

“Del, babe do you think Italian or Thai?” Ruby’s voice called out from the other room and Dele’s eyes jumped up from his phone, finger moved quickly to lock the screen as he heard his girlfriend approaching. 

Ruby paused in the doorway, phone in hand as she looked through the Uber Eats app, slender thumb scrolling over the screen. 

Dele licked his lips, his leg bouncing away as he looked over Ruby, giving her a tight lipped grin. “Whatever you want, just get me a high protein option or a lower calorie option, you know the usual” he answered easily and then quickly averted his eyes, looked down at his feet. 

He didn’t want to see the expression of disappointment on her features, the way she would draw in on herself, arms crossed and eyes sharp as Dele gave another ambivalent answer. The worst part it was, really, that Dele knew what he was doing, he heard Ruby’s sighs when he pulled away from her kisses, made excuses of headaches, being tired from training, even having to call his sister to get out of dates.

God he’d even started finding excuses to avoid sex. When he’d first stopped talking to Eric, he and Ruby had been all over each other. Dele had thrown himself into the relationship, taken every chance to tumble into bed, a couch- wherever, to try and lose himself in her. He’d been trying to convince himself that he could fuck Eric out of his mind. 

It had worked for as little while, but then Dele just started comparing it to his dream, would wonder what this might feel like with Eric. Each moan, each touch of Ruby’s just made Dele ache to know what Eric sounded like, what he felt like. 

So with the physical side of things pretty much completely gone, Dele knew that Ruby had clued in to something being very wrong. Dele hated himself for the way he was treating Ruby, hated that he clung to her even when he no longer was even in it. He hated most of all that he couldn’t stop himself, no matter how ashamed he was of how he treated Ruby he felt like he was on autopilot, unable to help himself. He was in a blue haze that wrapped him up, put a fog over his usual feelings and instincts. 

“Alright” Ruby replied with a sigh, and left the room in quiet steps, her voice had been shaky and Dele had to squeeze his eyes shut against the sting of the guilt. 

Dele unlocked his phone and looked back down at the screen, shameful tears burned heavy in his eyes as he looked at the Instagram photo sat on his screen. Eric’s most recent picture shared to the social media had been at the top of his feed when he unlocked his phone, the man in their pre match Spurs suit. Dressed in all black, head shaved, looking sharp, clean and like everything Dele wouldn’t let himself admit he wanted. 

He’d been staring at the image when Ruby entered the room, so caught up in it, he had no idea how long he’d been sat there, just looking. He remembered vividly ensuring that he kept as clear as possible from Eric that day, the way the crisp black, perfectly tailored suit sat across his broad shoulders was dangerous. 

It took three weeks longer for Ruby to finally call it off, her voice kind but firm as she told Dele she wasn’t going to stand by and be treated this way. She explained to him that she deserved to be someone’s priority, to have their attention, their affection. Ruby had said she didn't know where Dele had gone, but she knew that he didn’t want to be there with her, so there was no point clinging on.

Dele had been useless to do anything but agree, nodding, shameful when his chest loosened at Ruby’s words. The crushing sadness, the heartbreak, the feeling of loss- none of it struck him. The only thing he felt was relief. He felt disgusting to think it, but it was true, he had loved Ruby, still did- but that true love, that actual deep in his heart “you’re the one” kind of love, that spark had faded way longer ago than he would like to admit. 

Dele had apologised, told Ruby he’d miss her, that he wanted them to stay in each other’s lives as much as they could as friends. Ruby, her kind heart as big as it had always been, had given Dele a hug and told him she’d always be there, to take care of himself. 

After that, Dele sunk further into the blue haze- without Ruby to keep up a pretense for, no one to come home to and try and act normal in front of, not raise suspicion- it was easy to sink into mindlessness. In denying himself the thing he wanted the most, he’d come to lose his taste for anything else. If he couldn’t have that, then anything else felt like a cheap imitation. 

It was easy not to think about Eric if his mind was full of useless junk, endlessly strung along by meaningless things to preoccupy him. Fortnite, movies, old TV shows reruns, audiobooks - literally anything to stop him from thinking. 

He sunk into an easy pattern, training, working out in his home gym, matches, seeing his family, making excuses to not see many others. The days blurred together, weeks slipped past him in blinks of his eyes. 

He slept more than he ever had in his life, trained the most often he ever had since the early days of his career. Somehow, despite the fact that his match performance had dipped. Dele wasn’t playing badly really, but the passion and drive he usually played with had faded. He still loved the game- how he always had - and it was one of the only things that bought him joy day to day, but it just didn’t feel the same.

Dele knew he was sinking, could feel it day by day as he slipped that bit deeper under the water. He felt every inch of water that raised above his head and separated him from the surface, making it harder to break up for a breath. At some point, he got too tired to try, and settled in to his new day to day, in how he’d taken a step back from his own life, too overwhelmed at the chance to live a whole new one, one that was true, terrifying and could have been perfect. 

It all finally shatters, like tectonic plates eventually surrendering into the pressure they push against each other, when Dele least expected it. 

The day of their match against Bournemouth began like any other, the usual routine running easily, Dele went through the motions until he found himself in the changing rooms, getting ready for the match to start. 

It had begun to rain an hour prior to the game commencing, and it put Dele in a foul mood. He hated playing in the rain, his body got cold so easily, and the rain always freezes him right down into his bones in a way that he can only kick with a long boiling hot shower. Dele was kitted up, sat by his locker with his headphones in, blasting music as loud as he could to try snap himself out of it. It didn’t help that Eric was across the room, still shirtless for some reason, joking around with Eriksen, laughing carelessly and chatting away.

Dele had gotten good at keeping this delicate distance from Eric, had to catch himself from looking only half the time now, but just sometimes he struggled to contain it. He remembered last season, when they’d had a match in the pouring rain and Eric had spent the time before the match distracting Dele with card games, stories, showing him new songs. He’d said that the last thing they needed was a grumpy Dele. 

The song in Dele’s headphone changed and he looked away, he’d given himself the three minutes and fifteen seconds of the previous song to let himself slip for just a moment, to watch Eric without guilt- or as little as he could manage. He kept to his deal with himself, closed his eyes with a sigh as he thought of stepping into the pitch in the icy rain, irritation and nervous anticipation mingled in his gut. 

(In hindsight Dele will wonder if that was his warning sign, if his body was trying to tell him that the game just shouldn’t happen. Like a siren his body was firing off that only bad things could come from this game, like an omen, but just to Dele. He will wonder if somehow he knew, if there’s a link to Eric within him that he truly can’t ignore no matter what he tried) 

The roar of the crowd washed over Dele as he walked out onto the pitch. He managed to keep a straight face as the rain began to pour down over him, small icy beads of water pelted down to numb his skin and soak his kit. 

They lined up across the pitch and Dele clasped his hands behind himself, stood tall as he tried to work his way out of his own head and focus on the match. 

His eyes were glued straight ahead on the bright green pitch, he breathed deep, letting the scent of grass and sweat and the glow of white lights take him into the familiar mind set of game time. 

The rain carried on, never picked up or lessened, just sat steadily pouring down, enough to freeze skin and made the field slippery, but not enough to cause the match to be paused or called off. 

Dele’s skin was ice cold, aching as his teeth chattered and rain fell heavily into his eyes, caught on his lashes as he tried to squint through the haze and follow the ball. 

It was the second half when it happened, the score up two in their favour, the ball being thrown in from the sidelines by Danny, players moving to cover each other, find space on the pitch. 

The sound seemed to hit Dele in the chest before it even registered in his ears, his body knew before his mind did- a sickening crack of skin and bone before a following heavy thud. It took a moment for his mind to tick over and link previous sight of Eric going for a header to the gut wrenching noise. 

Eric had jumped high, his head had been in the right position but he didn’t see the player in front of him jumping for it to. Just at the player threw his head back to take the header Eric swung his head forward to do the same, and the back of players skull collided with a solid thud against Eric’s nose and forehead. 

Dele saw it in a blink, Eric breathing heavily anticipating his next move and then suddenly his body sprawled on the pitch, blood spilling out over his face. 

“Fuck fuck fuck” Dele breathed out, hands shook something horrible as he bit back the taste of bile. His vision warped, tunneled in on Eric while the rest of it blurred and spun. The sounds of the crowd faded to white noise, and a cold shiver shot all the way down his spine, pushed him into motion to get to Eric. He had only been a couple meters away and was the first to kneel down by Eric’s collapsed frame. 

“Eric” Dele mumbled, his hands felt useless as he watched bright red blood pooling dark and sticky around his nose, spilling over his cheeks and chin. “Eric” he repeated, hands trembling as he froze, his mind was racing but he was stuck still, terrified. 

“Please, please” he chanted under his breath, not even realising he was forming the words like some kind of desperate prayer. Please, please let him be ok he thought desperately as the pleads fell from his lips, chest blazing with fear. The pouring rain had washed Eric’s blood all over his skin, making it look even brighter somehow, running out with the water drops all over his face in bright red rivers. 

Eric finally blinked his eyes open, but they were dark and unfocused, brow crinkled as he looked around with glazed over eyes. It was like he was black out drunk, lost in a haze that no one else could see, and Dele felt like his stomach had been twisted up and thrown away. 

“Eric” Dele breathed, a hand moved to grip Eric’s shoulder. Eric’s eyes finally fell to him and his confused expression turned cold, still out of it, but with a new edge behind his eyes that made Dele shiver. 

“What’re you doing here?” Eric asked, before he tried to sit up, coughing in a way that caused the blood to splatter further out from with the jolting movement. 

Dele felt like he’d been turned to stone with Eric’s words- months ago he could have laughed and replied with “well that’s what best mates are for” or “I look out for you too you know.” 

But now, neither of those things were true, to the point where Eric is confused at to why Dele would be concerned about him being hurt and- and- what the fuck had Dele done? He thought desperately. What has he done to Eric? What has he done to them?

Eric tried to get up and Dele snapped back into the moment, pressed his hand lightly on Eric’s chest, shook his head, “Don’t sit up ok, you took a bad hit please just lie down” Dele requested softly, hands shaking as he pushed at the muscle of Eric’s chest. He hadn’t touched the man in months, outside of forced contact in games and it felt foreign, Dele’s skin on fire where he touched him. 

Eric’s expression morphed, his confusion deepening with a frown, looked at Dele like he didn’t even know who he was. Dele felt as big as a shred of grass on the pitch underneath his knees, shrunk in shame at what he’d done to make Eric see him that way. 

“Just please” Dele asked, and Eric paused, blinked slowly before he finally laid back onto the pitch with a heavy sigh. 

Dele stared at the pooling blood, the way it was layering on Eric’s skin, darker and fresh red blood patterning over his mouth and chin and neck, swirled around by the rain. He wiped his hands over his eyes to scrub away the rain in his vision and felt a heat burn in the back of his mouth. 

Dele gagged as vomit rushed up to the top of his throat, he was quick to swallow harshly to fight it off, thankful for the rain for the first time today in hiding the stinging wetness of his eyes. 

He kept his gaze resolutely off Eric then, aimed his gaze just to the left of him. He couldn’t look at him, he couldn’t stand to see the way Eric was looking at him like he was a stranger, like he didn’t belong next to him. He didn’t know where he belonged if he didn’t belong next to Eric 

Dele knew then in that exact moment, that’s exactly what he’d done to them, he’d purposely destroyed the way Eric used to see him. The truth struck like a bolt of lightning, lit up his chest and shook his body. Dele has pushed and pushed and pushed till he got what he wanted, Eric not coming back. 

Deep down Dele guessed he always thought Eric would never really leave his life. Even in ignoring him, keeping his space, avoiding their conversations- somehow part of Dele has held on to the idea that if he turned around and was able to get over the dream, be a friend to Eric again, he’d be there waiting for him.

It felt like the worst kind of torture to realise that Eric was already gone. Dele had created space between them, but that space had become so big there was no chance to fill it back up, even if he decided he wanted to. 

Panic and adrenaline began to simmer through his veins, and Dele felt even more useless than he had all year. He yearns to disappear, to just sink into the pitch and join the soil as he tried to work through the way his heart is shattering into thousands of pieces. 

Dele heard a rush of muffled sounds around him as he finally reached up feebly to try twist Eric onto his side to stop the blood from slipping back up into his nostrils. Dele only got a hand on his shoulder before the medical team showed up and took over, moving Eric onto his side quickly, wiping at the blood.

Dele thought he heard Jan say something to him, about giving space but Dele couldn’t focus, not now, and it’s not until Jan gets a hand on his shoulder and pulls him up that the bubble around him breaks.

He feebly accepted a water bottle handed to him by someone- he doesn’t take notice of who, and takes a small sip that he spits out onto the pitch. Dele rinsed water through his mouth a few more times to chase the taste of bile from his mouth, and as an excuse for the fact he wasn't moving from where he stood by Eric’s side. His eyes were trained intently on the man as the medical staff fluttered around him, working on him as quickly as possible. 

They wiped up his face, the stark white cloth being used to clean him was tinted a deep red, like some twisted violent version of tie dye. After they’d absorbed all they could, half soaked with rain they were dropped to the pitch in a pile. 

Dele couldn’t look away, even as he heard his name called out from a few of the boys, even the gaffer he was helplessly fixated. 

Once the wound was clean, excess blood removed to reveal the actual damage the cut to his nose was just over an inch long, but pretty deep and Dele wondered if it would need stitches. He watches as they dress it and tape it up, before he looked to the other injury Eric has sustained on his forehead.

The cut there his head is more so just split skin, a longer cut that gushes out blood but is only shallow, definitely not enough to need stitches Dele thought as he worried at his lip bottom with his teeth. 

The medical team began asking questions then and Dele listened as well as he could, perplexed as to why Eric was still on the pitch, why they hadn’t just taken him off to get him sorted properly. It wasn’t he’d keep playing after that.

The questions made worry quell in his chest, they asked him if he knew where he was, what year it was, his name, age, the time. 

Dele feels anger pulse, hoped desperately this wasn’t what he thought it was and spun around quickly to Jan, “what are they doing? Why are they just asking him stuff he needs to go off” he grumbled, took another sip of water before he threw it to the side to be collected. He knew he was being petulant and rude but he didn’t care, why Eric was still on the pitch after that was bizarre to him and it was preoccupying his mind. He couldn’t focus on anything else. 

Jan explained “concussion test” with a small shrug and Dele whipped his head back to focus on Eric, watching the way they shone a light over both open eyes, Eric nodding his head, still looking glassily across the pitch. He’d never seen Eric look so lost, a distance in his eyes that had shut out the light that usually made them a bright blue. 

“What the fuck” Dele spat, stepped closer to hear one of the medical staff say “clear” the other agreeing with with nods, one patted Eric on the back before he helped him stand. “What the fuck” Dele repeated to himself, eyes wide as he watched the staff leave the pitch and signal to the referee that they were good for play to resume. 

“What the fuck are you doing Dier?” Dele asked, walked up to him and stood in front of him to command his attention. It was probably the first time he’d addressed Eric directly in months. 

“Fuck off Dele” Eric grumbled back, shook his head and tried to walk away, only to stumble a bit with the movement. 

“Don’t be stupid your face is cracked in two places” Dele slagged back, “stop being big headed and selfish and get off the pitch” Dele gruffed out and tugged at Eric’s arm. 

“Don’t play pretend upset, you’re not fooling anyone” Eric laughed coldly, eyes glazed over as he pulled his arm from Dele’s each and walked away, the game set up to resume play. 

After that Dele couldn’t focus, he knew he was being obvious, stupid even as his eyes clicked back to Eric every few seconds, glad that they were leading the score so he could get away with low touches and average play. Although Dele was sure he’d get torn apart about the subpar performance on Twitter for the next few days, he couldn’t snap out of it. 

It was the most attention Dele had paid Eric in months his head felt heavy with what it was trying to carry, the roaring crowd felt like a backing track to the chaos in his mind. 

Everytime he blinked he saw those blood stained towels piled up, the way Eric looked at him, like he was out of place being near Eric- the way Eric had collapsed crumpled in on himself like an off switch had been flicked. Lights outs- he has been gone.

Dele finally reconciled with himself that if Eric was cleared by the medical staff then he needed to trust that and just make sure they got through this. There was only roughly twenty minutes left and their defensive line wasn’t having to contribute too many touches so if Eric stayed back he should be ok.

It was in that moment that Dele heard a bit of commotion in the crowds and whipped his head around to search for Eric, it was his first thought. Dele was quick enough to see Eric push himself up off the pitch- he must have fallen, the man stood for a second only to stumble and collapse down into Jan’s arms, body sagging. 

Fuck. Dele pressed a fist over his mouth, crushed his lips against his teeth stop himself from taking steps to him. He kicked his feet into the trimmed grass of the pitch to force himself to remain where he was. 

In truth Dele didn’t know what he’d do if he let himself get too close to Eric right now. His body was cold with fear but his chest burned with fear, his hands shook my his sides. He didn’t trust himself to go check on Eric, scared he wouldn’t be able to step away, even more scared of the way Eric might react when he woke up if he saw Dele there with him.

Nausea washed heavily over Dele again, nearly knocked him right to his knees as he watched three men carry Eric off the pitch. His large, solid frame was useless in their arms, head lolling and limbs heavy like a puppet with cut strings. 

Dele has to close his eyes against the image of Eric’s feet dragging against the ground, convinced he may actually vomit if he watched any longer. 

Eric had always seemed sort of invincible to Dele, with his tall and wide stature, cool demeanour, he never saw Eric as someone that could be taken down. He was all muscle and strength- strong had always been one of the first words in his mind when he thought of Eric, emotionally and physically he was always so resilient. 

Even in the most infuriating of moments, biggest disappointments Eric always managed to remain contained, his expression measured as he dealt with it in a rational way. He would take the time to unpack what was happening and respond. 

Dele knew that there was much more going on under the surface, that it would be underestimating Eric to assume his carefree easy nature was an indication he didn’t have concerns, worries, challenges, anger. He just knew how to keep a cool exterior. To see that crumble, see the way he’d regarded Dele, how he’d had sagged into needing full body support from three people, Dele felt horrified by it. 

The game somehow kept going, and Dele felt like he was playing in slow motion. The few touches he got were messy and awkward and he lost the ball far too easily to the opposition. All he could think about was Eric, all alone in a cold medical room, gashes on his face and maybe concussed. 

The only thing worse than that thought is the thought that Dele shouldn’t be there, he doesn’t belong there anymore, and he did that himself. That if Eric didn’t even want him there, would prefer the empty room to having Dele there. 

It took six minutes for Dele to be subbed off after Eric’s injury, and ran right off the pitch to the change rooms, pushed open a bathroom stall door and dropped hard to his knees. He’d made it just in time to throw the toilet seat open before the contents of his stomach spilled op and out, over and over until it was just blue water he gagged out from the lucozade he’d drunk for breakfast. 

When his stomach was finally empty, clear of all contents, a few empty dry retches proving he had nothing left, Dele fell back against the wall of the stall, head pressed hard into his knees as a quiet sob tore through his chest. 

The forced of the cry took his breath away and he gasped out the pain that had wrapped its way around his heart and lungs. He couldn’t see a way out, couldn’t see a future that didn’t include hurting like this forever. Dele was so set on denying to himself what he wanted, so terrified of what it meant that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about his best friend, that he’d ruined it.

There was no chance now, no small thought he could give himself of maybe one day, just not right now. He had wanted Eric gone, and he’d done it. He’d created a space impossible to shrink again. Dele’s whole body shook with the force of his sobs, breath came so quick he felt light headed, fingers gripped hard at his knees. 

He loved Eric. He loved Eric so much, it was a love so big he had destroyed any chance of it. Dele had finally started to kick back toward the surface, started to push against the feeling of drowning that had weighed on him all this time. He loved Eric, he thought and had to wrap a hand around his own mouth to muffle to cry, eyes squeezed tightly shut. 

Eric was who he wanted, who he needed- he made Dele better, and he did the same for Eric. Dele had someone in his life that he connected with in a way that didn’t think was possible and he threw it away in fear of what it could be. “Pathetic” Dele whispered to himself as he wiped away his tears, sniffled hard and flushed the toilet to clear it of his vomit. He was no better than the family he escaped from, he thought bitterly, furious with himself, wanting to feel the hurt he had caused. 

How could he act like he was any different than those who raised him in a loveless home- to do what he did to Eric, to destroy their friendship because he was selfish, because he was scared. Dele would never admit those thoughts aloud to anyone, but his greatest fear had always been being left- of abandonment, stemming from when he was little- and now he’d gone and done that exact thing to the one person that meant the most. 

Dele had been so scared of being with Eric, of living what he really wanted because of the judgment- because of the chance he would have to take to try and get it. But most of all Dele had been petrified of rejection, of showing his heart to Eric to only have it thrown back in his face.

He was ashamed that he had let that fear overtake him, for God’s sake his whole brand was centered around being brave, being a lion- and he was just a coward. Dele gripped tight to his hair and took a deep breath, collected himself before he left the bathroom stall. Dele was showered, changed and had his headphones in before anyone else even made it back to the changing room, listening to music but unable to focus on anything but if Eric was ok.

A few of the other boys evidently picked up on Dele’s mood, not bothering him but offering a pat on the back or a nod of the head, a comforting smile. 

But what Dele actually needed, what actually settled him a little bit from his miserable mind full of self-loathing was a message from Sonny. It was simple, straight to the point: “checked in about Eric, no concussion they believe, four stitches in his nose, should be back to play in a week maybe two max, he’ll be ok Del. Take care of yourself too”.

Dele had almost cried at the message, touched that Sonny was such a good friend to him, knew what he needed and made sure Dele had reassurance. Sonny had stuck with him all through this, even in his distance, weirdness- Sonny was always there. Dele didn’t deserve it. “Thank you Sonny, you’re the best” he replied eventually, trying to tell himself that Eric was fine, despite his worries, at least he was ok. 

The dark ugly feeling that had begun to eat at this stomach when he figured out just how much he’d fucked up hadn’t faded however and by the time Dele crawled into bed that night, he was more lost than he’d ever been. 

After that match, Dele isn’t so much in his haze anymore, isn’t drowning but just under the surface, close enough to look out and see what was happening above it but not enough to break through and grasp onto it. 

Now it’s more like the music is turned down, he’s living but he’s not alive, he feels best in his own company or with his brother- Sonny, a few close people who don’t ask what’s wrong anymore- that know they won’t get an answer.

Things break one final time, there is one last landslide, an earthquake to unsettle it all once more- a few weeks after Eric’s concussion, it’s only his second match back after the injury. They had played against Liverpool and won by the skin of their teeth with a last minute goal from Eric himself. The lads had been overjoyed, between having Eric back, him scoring to secure the unpredicted win with a last minute goal and the fact they were getting further up the table and closer to the finals they had a bigger celebration than usual. 

The team had been put up in a hotel despite the minimal travel for them, and the private dining section of the hotel restaurant had been sectioned off for them, free drinks and food available as long as they wanted them. 

While most of the boys knew to be careful with alcohol consumption during the season opting for light beers or soda water mixed drinks, only sticking to one or a few, Dele sank a few more drinks than he should have. He wasn’t drunk- just on the side of tipsy, enough to let his guard down. 

That was part of the reason he couldn't stop looking at Eric. Or at least that’s what he told himself, cold beer bottle between his finger tips, eyelids heavy as he watched Eric chat animatedly with Eriksen. His cheeks were flushed pink, eyes bright and there was an ache so heavy in Dele’s chest that no matter how much he had, nothing could ease it. 

One more drink later and Dele is properly tipsy, a bit buzzy with a warm chest and as he watched Eric walk to the bar he gets up and follows without even realising he’s doing it. He wants, he wants so fucking badly he could breath without it- not anymore. 

He’s been unable to be anything but hopeless over Eric since he sunk that goal, watched as the boys piled on top of him. Dele had joined in on the celebration- happy for the win, glad that he still had football to bring light into his days.

In truth Dele was just thinking of kissing Eric, he’d wanted to run to him, jump on him and kiss his stupidly good looking face, tell him what a fucking superstar he was. 

Maybe that’s why he’s here now, reaching for Eric with a nervous hand, heart drumming in his chest. He knows this is stupid and does it anyway. What’s he got to loose at this point right. 

Dele places his hand flat to the back of Eric’s neck, felt the warm skin and wanted to buckle at the knees at how nice it felt to have the feeling of Eric under his hands once more. Something once so familiar had become so foreign and Dele didn’t realise just how much he’d missed the simple touches. 

Eric turned into the touch, rounded to face Dele as Dele mumbled out “well done on the goal mate, was proper good” his stomach full of furious flutters, skin feeling like it was electric. While it was a sad excuse of one, this was closest to an olive branch Dele could pathetically offer. He just wanted to fix all of this- needed to fix all of this. He was so tired, so tired of feeling like this, or being scared or stepping back, he had to try right? 

There was nothing in particular about the night that had compelled him more than any other, maybe it was just the high of a win that had him deciding to take this tiny action. Maybe if this went ok Dele could warm back into it, slowly slip back into his old life. 

When Eric locked eyes with him, the cold look was back and Dele’s stomach fell, he’s pretty sure his heart shrinks when Eric shrugged out of Dele’s touch. “What are you doing Dele?” He asked, words blunt and bored. 

“Listen I know you don’t want it to be awkward for the team or whatever but it doesn’t matter, I’d rather you don’t fake caring to save face alright? I got the message you want nothing to do with me loud and clear” Eric spoke firmly and Dele had to bite hard on his tongue to stop from letting out the devastated sound that was trapped there. 

“I- I was just trying to” Dele paused and tried to find his words. 

He expected Eric to walk away as he fumbled but he didn’t- instead he kept his voice low as he spoke to Dele. “I’m so fucking done with this Dele- trying to what? Huh? Trying to be nice? to fix things? I don’t- I don’t care what you’re trying to do you can just decide that it’s done now- that you’re back from wherever the fuck you went” Eric is rambling now, Dele knows, his words quicker than they ever usually were. 

“I never once, not once did I harass you about this- did I ask you what I did, why you decided we couldn’t even be in the same room anymore” Eric wet his lips before he continued. 

“You didn’t want us to talk- I went along with it- fine, whatever happened, whatever I did I guess it was worth ending our friendship. I just dropped it and moved on Dele, not once did I confront you, not even when I was so confused, so hurt- because I assumed something was going on, what maybe you needed space I don’t know but I gave you the space you wanted” Eric said, keeping his voice level, not wanting to have anyone overhear their conversation. 

“It’s not fair, it’s not fair then that you suddenly decide after I’ve let it go, let it be that you and I aren’t friends anymore, not even in each other’s lives that you want to just act like nothing changed” Eric sighed, thankful that most of the boys seemed preoccupied with some story Danny was telling at the other end of the bar. 

“So what it’s just like when you decide? You didn't speak to me for months and then when I get hurt you’re there acting like- like” Eric cut himself off, frustrated that he couldn’t find the words. 

“Just why Dele? Why? Why, all of the sudden, couldn’t I talk to you? Couldn’t look at you, couldn’t touch you- nothing, why couldn’t I be near you? What did I do so wrong that you can’t even stand being in the same room as me? Huh?” Eric asked, hated how his words shook with emotion. 

Eric stood still, eyes were firmly on Dele as he waited for an answer, to finally understand. But Dele just closed his eyes, shook his head and dropped his head slightly, like he was surrendering. 

Dele’s head ached, but something had eased in his chest at finally having Eric get angry at him, for having him push back at him. It’s clear Eric has been wanting to for a long time, with the tone of his words. 

“Christ Dele- nothing? Really? I can’t- somedays I feel like I can’t breath because I have no idea what you’ll be like you know- you. God you look like you’re in physical pain when you’re around me sometimes you know that?” Eric grit out. 

“And you can’t- you can’t even tell me why? Is that right? You have nothing to say to me Dele? You can’t tell me what I did? Why all of this happened? Why I lost you? Why Dele?” Eric asked, his voice angry and carrying a sharpness that was unfamiliar to Dele, one that made him feel sick. Eric never got angry. 

“What did I fucking do?” Eric asked again, took a step closer to Dele, his brow creased heavily, eyes dark and furious. For the first time in his life Dele was actually scared of Eric, intimidated in his presence. 

“Just- just stop, give me a second” Dele pared our suddenly, his hand came up to his face, he pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, tried to regain his breath. 

Dele doesn’t know why he does it in the end- maybe it’s the drinks, or how angry Eric had been, maybe he had just finally couldn’t hold it in anymore- maybe he’d kept it bundled away as tight as he could for as long as he could and something had finally given way. 

He tells Eric exactly what he did, “you told me you loved me and that wasn’t fair cause it wasn’t up to you to decide that, I’m not the one people love and now I love you too and I don’t know how to deal with that okay? No one could tell tell you what to do when you fall in love with your best friend because I was too scared to ask” Dele blurted out, swallowed roughly before he continued. 

“I just wanted to talk to you about it- and I couldn't I can’t talk to you about this so I just needed space ok” Dele half shouts, doesn’t care that he’d caught the attention of a few of the boys around him despite the music playing through the room. 

He stood still as he looked at Eric, the weight of what he’d just done settled so heavy on his chest he could barely breathe. Oh god, what had he just done Dele thought desperately, felt his stomach turn as he looked at Eric’s blank face staring back at him. He’s said nothing, Dele is still just standing there and Eric hasn’t said anything at all. 

Dele’s ears were ringing out loudly, Eric still hasn’t spoken, just looked at him, just kept looking at him, no words to give back to what he’d just confessed and Jesus Christ Dele needed to leave.

He wasn’t about to stand around and wait for a stuttered rejection, an ‘easy’ let down that would only make this hurt even more.

Dele spun on his heel, dropped his drink carelessly to a side table and weaved his way through crowds of his teammates, focused on the golden door he could see on the distance, everything else a simple blur around him. 

Dele’s pace is an advantage, able to slip from the bar and into the elevator in the lobby in under a minute, head pounding as he rode the lift up to his floor. He pushed into the bathroom as soon as he entered the room, ran the cold tap on high and shoved his hands under it. He let the freezing water pour over his wrists and fingers the back of his hands. 

Numb, he just wanted to be numb, he thought desperately as he started to lose sensation in his hands, focused on that feeling and that feeling alone. 

Absently, Dele hoped that maybe Eric had drank more than he realised, that maybe somehow by some miracle, Eric was too drunk to remember this all tomorrow. 

But Eric isn’t drunk, not even a bit. And Eric is Eric so of course he can’t leave this be, leave Dele to just hide away in shame all night, so it doesn’t take long until Eric is right there walking into the hotel room. He came to a stop, breathless by the bathroom door, staring hard at Dele. He’d managed to get an extra keycard for Dele’s room from reception with a sweet smile and a sad story about having his wallet stolen with his key card in it. 

“What do you mean I said I love you? Dele I’ve told you I love you a million times I-“ and Eric cut himself off, he scrubbed a hand through his hair and he tried to figure this out, because he loves Dele, he’s his best mate- they write it in cards, send it over text, say it to each other. 

However, there is a whole other way that Eric loves Dele, a way he’s never told him and Eric couldn’t understand how he could have slipped up and told Dele that without realising. Surely he’d remember telling his best friend his deepest secret, especially when they weren’t even talking to each other currently. 

“You need to explain yourself you can’t just-“ he waved his arm out in front of him, exasperated. “Just say that and leave” Eric spluttered out, frown etched heavily into his brow, eyes dark and unreadable. 

And fuck did Dele really just say that did he really tell Eric that when it had only been in a dream. It hadn’t even been real, wasn’t real and Dele had to go and spill out the secret he’d been holding on to so tightly, like it meant nothing at all. 

Eric will swat to know what does he want and he thinks of that stupid quote Eric says time to time before a match, clear eyes full hearts can’t lose. And he thinks fuck it I’m already sinking I might as well drown of this all goes wrong because treading water was getting tiring, either he’s go all the way down or finally get pulled out 

“It was a dream, a stupid fucking- Jesus a silly dream” Dele breathed harder, the water running harsh into the sink, fingertips freezing under it. “It was some stupid fucking dream I had of us, ok?” Dele swallowed hard and pressed his cold fingers to his eyes, scrubbed over his face with wet hands, leaving the tap running nonetheless. 

“We- we you” Dele stumbled over his words and focused on the sound of water pounding down into the skink, running and running without stopping and finally something snapped in him and it began to pour out. 

Dele took a breath, opened his eyes and dropped his hands to his sides, fingers shaking as he talks. He finally going to let out every world he’d swallowed, every feeling, every thought he pushed so far down till he was numb to it. 

With a breath Dele finally pulled it all up, pulled out the word suck at the back of his throat, under his tongue, between his teeth. 

Clear eyes full hearts can’t lose he thought somewhat desperately, and let it all come out. 

“You were fucking me- I had a dream that we were fucking”

Dele’s stare was resolutely on the smooth black tiles of the bathroom floor, words clear as fear pooled up in him from the base of his feet. 

“And it was good Jesus. Eric I’ve never felt that way- never and it was only a dream? How do you think I feel having a dream about my best friend where’s he’s got my pinned to my bed and he’s-“

Dele huffed a sharp breath, the dream flashed past his eyes in washes of colour, stomach aching in want even now when his heart felt like it was falling out of his chest. 

“And that’s better than anything has ever been- anything Eric, fucking my model girlfriend, getting myself off, getting blown by three girls on one night” Dele grimaced at the memory he used to brag about, felt dirty as he said it to Eric, like he’d done something wrong. The memory just felt cheap and pathetic now, compared to the way he knew he felt about Eric. 

He pressed a palm flat against his chest, breathed in and out slowly before he continued, mind rabbiting with everything he’s wanted to say- everything he’d needed to get out to someone for advice, for comfort, anything. 

“Dreaming about you, was so much better than all of that- and how I am meant to understand that?? out of nowhere” Dele licked his lips. 

“And it wasn’t like I woke up and it was gone, every time I blinked it was there- all of it, how you touched me- I. I’d see you and it would be like an instant spark, flipping a switch and I’d see it all, feel it all, it’s all I could think about” Dele hung his head back, eyes low as he continued to speak, his hands trembled as he closed them into fists.

“And you’d touch me, like normal or whatever, you’d hug me or put a hand on my neck, or play with my hair. I just couldn’t do it, I’d just be thinking about the dream. Dele paused before he let out a heavy exhale. 

“Then all I could think about was the fact that we touched like that all the time- it was always normal for us to be all over each other, and what did that mean?” Dele sighed heavily. 

“You know before I thought- I- I just thought you know, it’s Eric, my best mate who I hug and touch and all the other boys do it too right? we all do, but you with it was different- god it was always different and that dream made me realise” Dele gulped eyes wide. 

“And then, then there was Ruby, you know and I loved her Eric I did and I couldn’t even focus on her properly because I could only think about you. I was a shitty boyfriend to her” Dele put his hand over his face. 

“That’s why we broke up in the end. But I thought just maybe if I could- if I put some space between us and focused on Ruby then maybe things would change you know, go back to normal” Dele breathed out.

“but- every time I saw you it was all I could think about. You used to be just my best friend, but then- all of the sudden you were different, I saw you so, so differently.” Dele squeezed his fingers tighter in a fist. 

“But it being different to friendship- it being something… more, that’s what I wanted- I didn’t want you to touch me because it reminded that so desperately that’s has become all I wanted, for it to be different, not just best friends anymore” the sound of a car horn suddenly blaring out on the road in the distance made Dele flinch slightly before he continued.

“No matter how much I lied to myself that it was better when I stayed away- that when you touched me it was just the memory of the dream that was messing me up- I knew I wanted it, I wanted it Eric I wanted that dream so badly to be real” Dele’s voice shook as he spoke. 

“And I realise that now” he paused for a heaving breath. 

“There was a night. That night we were sharing a room before that away game- the last time we shared one at all-“ Dele moved to sit on the floor, exhausted as he rested his head back against the wall, body fatigued as the adrenaline of finally confessing wearing off. 

“You um. You thought I was sleeping and you said, well you asked me actually, what you did, why I couldn’t look at you” Dele’s voice went thick with emotion, hands curled over his knees, gripped hard. 

“And I-” Dele’s voice cracked and he swallowed around it to reduce the shake. “After that night I um. I started to kind of freak out- I felt like I wasn't in my body when I was with Ruby, or the boys, anyone…” 

“it all felt-“ Dele paused for a moment, considered his words. 

“You know when you’re underwater and you can still hear everything but it’s all like- weird” Dele shrugged, frustrated with his inability to articulate it. 

“It was, you know. I- I couldn’t tell myself why I couldn’t look at you. I heard you- you were so upset and I just fucking lay there like a useless idiot because I- I couldn’t tell myself- I couldn’t be honest with myself and then I just slipped under, it was too much so I just. I checked out” Dele waved his hand in front of him, fingers shaking. 

He moved his eyes up just slightly so he could stare at Eric’s feet, tears finally pooling up and over. “Fuck I was such an coward and I couldn’t be what anyone wanted me to be, I couldn’t be your friend, I couldn’t be Ruby’s boyfriend- I was even a bad brother, I wasn’t playing at my best. I couldn’t be anything because I couldn’t be the one thing I actually wanted to be” Dele sniffled, head began to pound, weight starting to lift off his chest with every word.

“And then that night you got hurt, I- fuck it’s like I finally could get my head out of the water you know? But by then I’d fucked things up so much. you looked at me like I was a stranger when I came to check on you and I. I didn’t know how to fix that” Dele breathed out, closing his eyes for a few moments. 

“But I was finally able to tell myself that it wasn’t the sex in the dream that had me so scared, it wasn’t, I- you told me you loved me. In the dream you told me- you said you were in love with me” Dele’s eyes got wetter and his chin trembled slightly, making him bite bit bottom lip into his mouth to stop it from collapsing into a sob. 

“That’s the part I really couldn’t stop thinking about you know. That’s what I wanted the most” Dele’s eyes were level with Eric’s shins now. “And that’s what I realised, when you were hurt like that- I just wanted that Eric I-I wanted to” Dele’s voice trailed off, mouth and lips dry from talking.

“I wanted to be there- I wanted the ‘I love you’ the proper one, not the way we always said it. I wanted you to tell me you were in love with me. I was so scared I would never hear it. You were out cold, there was so much blood everywhere I was so scared and I- I just” Dele presses his fists into his eyes and the sob finally broke free of his lips. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Eric, I’m sorry I fucked up ok? I don’t know- I don’t know how to, I don’t know how to fix it” Dele gasped out, wrapped his arms around his legs and held himself in a tight bundle. 

“I don’t know how to be your friend again when I only want more, I- Jesus Chris” Dele laughed bitterly at himself, looked somewhere around Eric’s stomach as he finally let the last piece he was holding to, out.

“I love you Eric I do. I didn’t, I didn’t know for so long I didn’t but I’m stupidly in love with you and maybe just a bit stupid too but I- that’s all I’ve got Eric, I don’t” he paused to let out a frustrated sigh. 

“I don’t want to be underwater anymore, so I guess, if. If we aren’t, I- guess you don’t want, I just have to know and I can’t let you touch me because if it can’t be- If I’m alone in these feelings then I can’t just be friends. Not now anyway. Maybe, maybe one day in the future or something but” Dele shrugged, exhausted as his eyes slipped shut. 

“So I guess your short answer is I love you, I love you and that’s all I’ve got right now” Dele spoke, dropped his head to his knees as his body finally relaxed, the tension he’d carried for months now slipped away and melted into the floor.

The air was quiet, despite the tap still running cold water into the basin, and his own heart hammering away in his ear drums and Dele trembled as he waited. 

It wasn’t so much as like standing on the edge of a cliff, where he might fall, it was more that he’d run and jumped off the cliff and was falling already- what Eric said next would just determine if he hit each rock on the way down to the bottom or if there was a net to catch him. 

Dele couldn’t help the way his shoulders trembled with it, the tears welling thick and spilling over, crying half in release and half in fear, trying to hold himself together in his own arms. It feels like an hour had passed when Dele heard the tap cut off.

He had half convinced himself that Eric had left when the sound of the water cutting off made him pause. He heard Eric sigh heavily, and Dele felt like his skin was burning as he felt Eric slide down the wall beside him, shoulders pressed together. 

“Dele” Eric’s voice was quiet but firm, and Dele desperately tried to read the two syllable tone of his name, to perceive the words that would follow. 

“Del” Eric muttered again, and his fingers brushed over the back of Dele’s head, making him lift his head up, but kept his gaze fixed straight ahead, refusing to look at Eric. “Look at me, Del” Eric spoke again.

Dele felt Eric’s arms shift where they pressed close sat next to each other, but quickly the man pulled back. 

“Can I touch you?” Eric's voice was soft, hesitant as he spoke and it made Dele’s heart hurt at the uncertainty. 

Dele modded and Eric was quick to collect both of Dele’s cold hands in one of his own, thumb rubbing messily against the back of one of his hands. The gesture didn’t do much to warm Dele’s hands, but it was sweet nonetheless and Dele held his breath in hope.

“Can you look at me?” Eric asked then, and Dele shivered a little bit. This whole thing, it boiled down to those five words, didn’t it. 

Dele thought back for a second, to lying in that bed next to Eric’s, frozen still as Eric cried softly. Does he move, does he get out of the bed and fix everything? He wonders if any universe Dele gets out of the bed, if he moves or he would have always made that choice. 

Dele blinked and he looked out of the bathroom door, the warm light of the hotel room beyond him. This time he decides to move. 

With a shaky exhale, tears on his face and fear brewing with hope low in his gut, Dele turned his head to finally catch Eric’s eyes. 

It’s funny, how a movement so small seems to tip the entire room upside down. Dele’s breath is stuck somewhere between his throat and his mouth, and looking at Eric, really looking at him after all these months, Dele feels the small frame of fear collapse around him. He can’t be scared, anymore, not of this, not when Eric is looking at him like he always has, eyes warm and clear blue. He can’t be scared, not when this is so much better than the last months have been. Right there, in that hotel bathroom Dele feels like he’s finally woken up, after months of drowning in is he had pulled himself out of the water and he’s looking right at the most terrifying best thing. And then maybe he realises the fear isn’t gone, no, because he still had no idea how Eric feels, has no idea where the next second, minute, hour, day will take him, but it’s worth it. This fear has become worth it. Maybe he’s become a little braver.

“I’ve never stopped looking at you” for just a flicker of a moment Dele worried that Eric was mocking him, that it was some kind of joke, but then Eric gave him this smile.

It’s a soft pull of lips, almost a smirk, but it was warm and soft, showed off his dimples, and Dele’s heart just about spilt over. 

“Del since the first time we properly met I haven’t been able to look away” One of Eric’s hands wad holding both of Deles, the other moved to hold Deles cheek.

“And I didn’t know not from the start, probably not for a couple years” Eric’s voice is just above a whisper and he is keeping Deles eyes locked in his own. 

“But I’ve cared. The whole time, Del, you, you are so important to me. You’ve always been the most important thing I think. Before I even realised it, I- I always wanted to take care of you. I think I just knew that you were going to be a big part of my life” Eric whispered, fingers drifting down from his cheek to brush over his lips. 

“You, leaving me- when you stopped talking to me, stopped touched me, looking at me. I- I felt like a part of me died if I’m honest.” The laugh Eric let our was stilted and sound and sounded so empty in the bathroom that Dele reached to wrap his hand around Eric’s wrist, squeezing tight. “I already knew, I thought maybe you’d figured me out and you were trying to create space because you know it freaked you out”  
Eric explained, slipped his wrist from Dele’s hand to tangle their fingers together instead. 

Eric sighed and squeezed Dele’s hand tightly, “I first realised when I broke up with Maria- It hurt to lose her but I remember I just wanted to see you after it happened- you know, I just wanted to talk to you and be with you and I thought maybe I was just missing Maria, and was a bit lonely” he paused, looked down at the tiles under his feet for a moment before he looked back up at Dele, blue eyes soft and tired. 

“But then I realised it was only really you that I wanted to spend my time with you know. Just you- I hated seeing you go after we would hang out and have dinner at mine and watch a film or something. Whenever you’d get up to leave, I would have to bite back asking you to stay the night with me” Eric confessed, reached back with his free hand to grip the back of his own neck, letting out a sharp exhale. 

“And then, well then when the World Cup started- I felt like I was in a dream. It was you and I twenty four seven, plane rides- rooms, matches, training, meals, we got to share every little thing Dele and I don’t ever think I’ve been so happy in my whole life than that summer and football was only half of the reason for that” Eric explained, voice a bit breathy as he dug his teeth into his bottom lip, considering his next words. 

“I’d wake up in the morning and look across at you lying on the other bed, and I’d pretend I was seeing you lying next to me, I’d let myself think what if that’s what I got to have every morning and then I wanted it to badly I couldn’t even consider anyone else” 

Eric shifted against the cold, tiled floor, curled his toes down and swallowed thickly before he spoke again. “When I scored that pen Del, when I made it through crowds erupted, the boys freaked out but all I wanted was you, I just wanted to see you, celebrate with you- I knew how happy you’d be, I wanted to see your smile Del.” Eric exhaled and shook his head at himself, a fond smile on his lips as he looked down at his feet beside Dele’s.

“That’s how I knew how gone I was for you then, we’d just gotten one step to the cup for our country- we were bringing it home and all I wanted to see the smile on your face because I knew how bad you wanted it” Eric laughed and scrubbed his hand over his face, his shoulders shifted under his shirt with the movement. 

“I felt like the world was pointing me to you, like it was showing me how good it would be- that no matter how scared or nervous I was, it could be that good with you that it would be worth the risks” Eric’s voice was a bit slower now, words small as he placed his and Dele’s entwined hands on top of his knee, stared resolutely at them. 

His pause was long, but Eric was thankful that Dele didn’t interrupt, just needing a few moments to collect his thoughts before he spoke. He wanted Dele to understand properly, to air out all of it for them to have a chance at anything properly. 

“Uh, and then you started acting different when we got back, you know, I thought maybe you were just having a bad day, or things with Ruby were getting serious so you were busy” Eric explained with a shrug. 

“But then, you weren’t really talking to me, or not like properly, you didn’t reach out for me anymore, jump on my back, tease me at training” Eric squeezed Dele’s hand hard, tried to take the pain out of what he was explaining. He didn’t want to make Dele feel bad, but he needed him to understand his perspective, to see why Eric had been so short with Dele, why he’d snapped and been unable to take it anymore.

“You wouldn’t even look at me, and I couldn’t figure out why” Eric swallowed and closed his eyes, tipped his head back to rest against the wall. “I thought I did something, said something, insulted you or Ruby somehow, or pissed you off in training- I couldn’t figure it out” he exhaled hard. 

“And then, then I thought” Eric had to stop, hated the way his voice wavered, hinting at the tears that wanted to fall. “Then I thought” he tried again a bit firmer, licked over his lips “that you um figured it out maybe? That you realised that I liked you and you couldn’t be near me” he explained, hating the way a few tears snuck their way out of his eyes down his cheeks. 

It was impossible to stop really, when he thought about it, how lonely it felt when every time he reached out to Dele, hoped that it was just a bad mood, that Dele would go back to normal, laugh and tease him about a small bald patch on his buzz cut, slap a kiss to his cheek. But it never came, it was waiting with no end and every single day it had hurt. 

Dele let out a soft sound and used his hands to wipe away the tears on Eric’s skin, paused with his hands on Eric’s cheeks before he leant in to pepper kisses over the side of Eric’s face, hands trembled where he held the man. He was terrified, still, even with Eric’s words, it all felt like this moment could crumble away with the wrong touch and this was so important, the most important- he couldn’t fuck this up. 

Dele pressed his forehead to Eric’s shoulder, the room silent as he they both breathed slowly, letting all the words that were spilled out here settle, holding to each other as they sat on the corner of something completely unknown. 

The silence lulled Dele into a sense of calmness, almost sleepy from the emotional night, eyes closed as he focused on the feeling of Eric breathing, of their bodies close and warm. With a slow breath in, Eric broke the silence with an exhausted voice, hand seeked out Dele’s once more.

“How could you think I don’t love you Dele? You’re the best thing- the best thing about every day, I feel like when I met you everything just made sense- it was like, like- this moment of oh- that’s what I’ve been waiting for” Eric placed his hand behind Dele’s neck then, used it as an anchor to press their foreheads together. 

“With your stupid jokes, the way you listened and took me seriously, understood me, but also knew when to call me out to bring me out of my shell- it was like we were made to fit together you know? It sounds stupid but I’ve never had someone know me like you know me Del” Eric exhaled, the sound heavy as it fell from his lips. 

“I don’t know how to be without you now I think, I’ve been a bit useless the past few months.” He paused and pulled back far enough to lock his eyes with Dele’s golden brown ones. He wanted to look at him when he told him this. 

“Del you make me so happy, I love you, I love you so much, and if you feel about me even half the way I feel about you, then I think we could be really fucking good together” Eric’s voice broke on the last word but his gaze stayed strong as he looked into Dele’s eyes, heart hammering away a storm in his chest. 

A desperate sound broke loose from Dele’s lips, he fisted a hand tight into the front of Eric’s shirt, and pulled him, caught his cheek with his other hand messily, the tips of his fingers brushing against his ear as he half pulled himself into Eric’s lap in a desperate bid to reach his mouth. 

Eric met him half way with ease, he gripped the back of Dele’s neck hard, crashed their lips together in a hot, wet press. Finally kissing Dele felt somewhere between coming home and jumping straight into a pit of fire. The achingly good feeling of the familiar mixed with the fear and excitement of the unknown, of something new.

Eric had been in love with Dele for so long, maybe even since the beginning if he was honest with himself, and now he could finally show him. Eric gasped into Dele’s mouth, his hands fell to Dele’s hips before he pulled him up into his lap with ease, fingers curled in hard around his hips. 

Dele tasted faintly of the beer they’d been drinking earlier in the evening as Dele parted his lips and Eric licked into his mouth, there was something sweet under the bitterness of the beer that Eric chased desperately with his tongue.

Eric whined hungrily as he felt Dele’s fingers skim over the top of his head, brushed over the short spikes of his buzzed hair before he reached his neck, fingernails dug in as he scratched at the skin. 

Eric dropped his head back at the feeling, not even flinching at the pain of it thudding against tile, ignored the hot throb under his skin. His hands found their way under Dele’s shirt then quickly, hands slid up his back and pressed flat to Dele’s shoulder blades and crushed them closer to each other. 

Dele’s hands trembled where he touched Eric, heat sparking up his spine as his brain just echoed out “is this real? How is this real?” Over and over, he felt like he was burning up out of his own body, he was melting into Eric and he let himself go happily.

“Fuck” Dele felt the word where it rumbled in Eric’s chest, the movement of his lips against his own as he gripped tighter to Dele, the man had to loosen his grip off Eric’s bicep to press a hand flat to the wall behind him, trying to steady himself. 

“I love you” Eric pressed the words into Dele’s lips before he pulled back to let Dele breath, trailed his mouth in wet pecks down the line of his throat which made Dele shiver, slumping forward into his hold on the wall. If Eric didn’t stop soon he’d fall apart right here in the bathroom. 

As desperately as Dele wanted to give in to the feeling, let them finally melt into each other, he didn’t want to do it here on the floor of a freezing cold bathroom, with his knees aching in how he was balanced across Eric’s lap. 

“Eric, Eric wait” Dele breathed, eyes fluttering closed as Eric grazed his teeth over his collarbone, it made him pause, almost enough to make him give in, but when his knees gave another twinge and a cold shiver ran through him, Dele griped Eric’s shoulder and tried once more. 

“Eric, love, wait” Dele breathed, squeezed his shoulder firmer, dug his nails in to make it sting and Eric pulled his head back, worry evident on his face as he looked up at Dele. He paused, stunned for a moment by the imagine of Eric gazing up at him, eyes wide, pupis blow out and lips wet. Dele couldn’t help but gaze, chest tight knowing he was the one to do that to make Eric look so well kissed, make him look hungry for him. 

Jesus.

Dele must have gotten too wrapped up in the dream like image Eric was, because Eric pulled back further from him, hands loosening their grip on him as he frowned. “Did I do something wrong? Did I go too fast?” Eric babbled, voice husky and concerned, a panic in his tone that made Dele’s stomach twist. 

He caught Eric’s face in his hands, looked at him as he dipped his head down and gently laid his lips over the top of Eric’s, nuzzled their noses together as he sunk into a soft sweet kiss. It was a gentle slide of lips, wet and warm and just enough for them to be comforted by the taste of each other. 

Dele sighed into it, unable to help but linger that bit longer for a few more drags of their lips, already addicted to the feeling. Kissing Eric was the best feeling he’d ever experienced and he wasn’t sure how he’d ever be able to stop now that he knew how good it was.

How was he meant to get up in the morning and go eat breakfast, to go to training, to do literally anything else but stay in Eric’s lap with his lips, hands and focus on him. 

When Eric let out a soft whine, it broke the spell in Dele’s mind and he pulled back just enough to speak. “Nothing wrong. Nothing at all” Dele promised him and pressed a kiss to Eric’s brow. 

“It’s um, the bathroom floor is kinda cold and uncomfortable and I want to kiss you but my knees are kinda killing me” Dele whispered, let out a small laugh as he felt Eric’s body relax under him. 

“Yeah, yeah fuck- sorry” Eric laughed warmly and Dele’s heart all but melted out the sound. He couldn’t help himself and reached up to press his fingertips over the crinkles by his eyes, giddy at seeing Eric happy again. He could enjoy it now too, look at Eric - really look at him, admire the way happiness lit up his face, the cute freckles on his skin, the way he looked back at Dele with a love in his eyes that felt too much to be real.

“You should be, how dare you let our first kiss be in a place like this” Dele teased, fingers drifted from Eric’s shoulder to trace the strong line of his collarbone, the warmth of his skin evident even through the fabric of his shirt. 

Eric laughed and patted Dele just above his bum, fingers tugged at the edge of his shirt as he looked up at him with soft eyes. “I’m the worst huh?” Eric asked, licked his lips as he gazed at Dele’s mouth, fingers finding his bare skin easily, unable to help but touch. 

Eric had to stop himself when his hands twitched to pull Eric into him once more, craving another kiss- move, they needed to move. “Alright come on then Del” he exhaled, wrapped his arm around the boy’s waist and used the other to help himself stand, kept Dele in his lap with ease. 

“Show off” Dele laughed and wrapped his arms around Eric’s neck, tightened his thighs around Eric’s body to ensure he stayed steadily. 

“Mm, you hate this right?” Eric laughed, slapped his hand against Dele’s bum which made him gasp out and slap the back of Eric’s neck. 

The man pretended to drop him in retaliation, let go of him for just a second, long enough for him to slip before he caught him again, held him steady. “Fuck you Dier if you dropped me you’d be a dead man” Dele cursed him out as Eric walked them out into the hotel room, toward the massive king bed. 

Eric laughed brightly and shook his head “Yeah right, how would manage that? Have to hire a hitman, you’re no match for me chopstick legs” Eric taunted him before he dropped Dele onto the bed. 

Dele’s laugh was warm and bright as he pulled himself up the bed so that he could lay his head on the pillows, rolled his eyes at Eric as he kicked an errant foot at him. “Fuck off Dier” he huffed, watched eagerly as Eric crawled upon to the bed, slowly making his way toward Dele. 

“Fuck off? Is that what you said in your dream? The one you had about who was it… me?” Eric smirked, moved till he was hovering over Dele, resting on his knees and forearms over him. 

“Or was it fuck me?” Eric teased before he leant down to press a gentle kiss against Dele’s brow, smiled into his warm skin. 

Dele whined, tried to turn away out of Eric’s arms, but he caught him, used his body to keep Dele close. “Don’t” Dele mumbled, blushed hard as he averted his gaze, pushed at Eric’s chest. 

Eric smiled gently, chest warm as he watched how flustered Dele got when he mentioned it. 

“God I missed you” Eric breathed out suddenly, not even logging the words in his brain before he spoke, all heart. 

“Like- just being able to laugh with you, Make you smile I- it’s... I missed it a lot” Eric confessed, peppered a few small kisses on Dele’s cheeks, just wanting to be close to him. 

“I missed teasing you too- I have the best fun with you Del, that’s one of the reasons I love you so much, it’s just always so fun when we are together” Eric explained, watched as a smile formed on Dele’s lips and he looked up to make eye contact once more. 

“Say it again?” Dele asked, and Eric knew immediately what he was asking for, smiled as he leant closer to give Dele a peck. “I love you” Eric repeated, giving him one more kiss before he spoke again “so much” he mumbled.

Dele sighed, body warm and stomach tingling as he wrapped both arms around Eric’s neck to keep their faces close. Dele shuffled under the wright of Eric’s body, disliked him from his hips so that he was laying on top of him, Dele able to wrap his legs around Eric’s waist, thighs squeezed his sides and his heels dug in at his lower back. 

“I love you” Dele spoke back with raw honesty, words breathy as he pulled Eric into a short kiss, a simple slide of lips before he pulled back. 

“I love you Eric I can’t believe… I- this doesn’t feel real you know. That you love me too” Dele sighed before he laughed in disbelief. “Never thought I’d have this, I’m happy- I’m so happy Eric. I’m so sorry about all of it, I- I just couldn’t see yet that this is what I needed, that my heart always needed” Dele explained. 

“So I want you to know I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you, for treating you like I did, it wasn’t right y’know I was acting like a child and that wasn’t fair to you” Dele said, ashamed at his own behaviour. 

“It’s in the past now” Eric spoke after a few moments of silence, stayed close to Dele to let him know he understood, he wasn’t mad, not anymore.

“Besides, in the end I guess it’s kinda what forced us to explain, you know- what got us together. So it’s ok- it’s just part of this, part of us getting together even if it hurts. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there when you needed someone too- I know how hard it is when you’re trying to figure that out, like realising you like men is one thing but then realising you might like your male best friend is a whole other thing.” Eric paused and gave Dele a knowing smile. 

“Know it scared me too” he added, leaned in for two more pecks, trailed a few errant kisses up over Dele’s cheekbone, skin warm and smooth under his lips. Eric felt the skin shift as Dele’s cheeks bunched up in a smile, and he couldn’t help but sink his teeth into one of his dimples and nipped a small bite before he soothed it with a kiss. 

“Too good to me, too nice” Dele mumbled and tugged on Eric’s neck so he would pull back, catching his eyes with his.

“I don’t deserve you being so understanding but thank you, and I need you to know regardless of what we have now I’m still so sorry about all of it. You didn’t deserve that” he whispered with a soft smile before he gave Eric another gentle kiss, lips just brushing a few times, unable to help but linger, sucked on his bottom lip before he pulled away properly. 

He reached his fingers up to skin over the top of Eric’s buzzed hair, he loved the way it felt against his fingers, fuzzy, spiky but somehow soft. “I love you Eric” he whispered, and watched the way happiness filled Eric’s expression, his eyes darkened and his smile turned into a beam, he looked like he was following from the inside out. 

Dele was already obsessed with how his love looked on Eric. 

“I love you Dele, I love you so much” Eric echoed back, feeling the stupid smile on his own face made his cheeks ache and he pressed his face to Dele’s throat, letting out a husky laugh. 

“This doesn’t feel real you know that? Wanted this for so long. So much” Eric confessed into his skin, only able to admit the words when he wasn’t looking at him. 

Dele hummed and pressed a kiss to the shell of Eric’s ear, his fingers till brushing lazily over his hair. “Think we both deserve something we want this much don’t you?” He answered back, fingers moved to rest on the back of Eric’s neck and give a squeeze to the warm skin there. 

Eric nodded, laying so his full body weight was rested on top of Dele, laughed at the grunt that Dele let out at the pressure of Eric’s body falling on his. “I missed this” Eric sighed, and Dele poked his side “What? Crushing me?” he answered and wrapped his fingers around his hip, and gave it a squeeze. 

“No you idiot, just being with you, talking about nonsense, hearing you laugh you know, I missed this a lot” Eric explained, voice warm as he spoke. “You’ll always be my best friend first Del, my boyfriend now too, but always my best friend. Was hard to have you messing around like usual, felt so weird” Eric explained, his hand move to Dele’s side, fingertips drawing up and down over his T-shirt.

“Missed you too. Think I was driving the other boys insane, keep going on and on and jumping on them- think I never realised how much of my energy I let out on you until it was gone” Dele explained, smiled when he felt a kiss being placed on his collarbone by Eric. 

“You’re telling me! I carried you around everywhere, would FaceTime you when you couldn’t sleep, try new lunch places with you, play basketball in my yard, listen to your rants about Fortnite…” Eric listed off, he could have gone on forever but a sharp pinch to his side from Dele made him trail off. 

“Well bad news for you Eric, you’ve decided to date me now so it’s going to be all that and more, you’re stuck with me” Dele huffed, voice petulant but soft as he pouted, despite Eric not being able to see him. 

Eric pulled back then, moved so he was sat across Dele’s lap, knees on either side of his body as he looked down at Dele, hands resting on his chest. 

“You’re the most annoying person I know Dele, you never leave me alone, you stay up late, you poke at me, jump on me, ask me weird questions, insult me all the time” Eric rattled off easily, smiled through his words.

“And I missed every single one of those things the past couple months, would have given anything for you to slap the back of my head, flick my ear, seal my training jumper” he continued. 

“So I think I’ll be just fine in having to deal with all of that and more, would be my pleasure to be the one that puts up with you” Eric beamed, leaned closer until their lips could brush together.

Dele pulled back far enough to mumble “you are kind of charming aren’t you Dier” a pretty blush was evident on his cheeks, a flustered soft red that made Eric’s stomach swoop low. 

“Yeah” Eric smirked, laughing into the kiss that Dele locked them in, lips moved together in a way that made Eric’s head spin. 

He pulled back a few slow seconds later to add “how do you think I got you?” Before he leant down to finally melt into their kiss, one hand dragged down Dele’s chest, to finally tuck his fingers into Dele’s waistband.


End file.
